| WHAT IF SANTA ANSWERED HIS
LETTERS HONESTLY? |
 |
Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend,
BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a
freaking book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the
space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in
the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah
Dear Sarah,
You're parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy
to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane
and Mom's not putting up with it anymore, and besides do you think he's gonna
give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides
his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Lego's
instead.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony
and a tuba.
Love,
Francis
Dear Francis,
Is that all? Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I
think your just getting Lego's too.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer
outside the back door.
Love,
Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the
sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch.
Santa
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my
time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing
the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you
wanted to know.
Santa
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake,
like in the song?
Love,
Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I really, really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please,PLEASE,PLEASE could
I have one?
Timmy
Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with
me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our house?
Love,
Marky
Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at
school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex.
Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom
window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa
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