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I first got clean in 1987. I loved being clean. I had 2 children, a
beautiful little girl who was almost 3 at the time and a premature little
boy who was born under 2 lbs.
I got clean and immediately my boyfriend who had 18 months clean at the time
picked me up from tx and moved in with me.
Our lives were wonderful. New love, new life and experiencing the fun of
recovery was beyond anything I could have possibly dreamed. We were married
2 years later, bought our first home, had credit cards, back in school,
active in the NA fellowship, lots of friends, respect, self respect and our
quality of life was like nothing either of us had ever known.
Then,,,I don't even remember when now, but somewhere along the road I took
more than the prescribed amount of pain medication. I was not willing to
lose everything, so I hid this from everyone. All of my friends, everyone I
knew was in NA and my marriage was based on being clean...I hid the truth.
But I knew the truth. DID I?
My head told me that nobody had to know. I didn't start shooting dope or
anything. I just took more than the prescribed amount. I was not willing to
lose everything I had worked so hard for over a couple of pills.
Let me tell you what I lost! I lost all contact with God. I knew I was
lying. Even though I shoved the lie down as deeply as I could through
rationalizations, justifications and denial...you can't hide from yourself.
I thought I still had control. I only did this one time. Then a year later
it happened again.
Now all of this time I am taking tokens because I would go on acting and
lost. My life was still good. The job, husband, kids and friends. But, wait,
here is my denial...I had no real relationships with anyone. They did not
know who I really was. I lived this lie until 20 days ago.
Because I was not willing to tell the truth all attempts to get clean over
the past 12 years have failed. I was too embarrassed or afraid to tell the
truth. Instead what I did is destroy every love and opportunity that came my
way trying to help me. I desperately wanted to be clean and I let people
help me. Only to run away again and again.
Did I say run away? I couldn't run far or fast enough away from myself. I
was everywhere that I went. The pain of who I had become from what I was
living became too much for me.
My freedom today is that I am admitting and seeing that the life and
recovery I thought I had was all part of my denial. I am an addict who has
never been able to face the truth about who and what I am. I have no control
over my use once I start. What was a one time over medication issue, happened
again, and again. Just because I hid it and only did it once in a while was
how my denial nearly killed me. I was in active addiction after the first
time. It all caught up with me. Not enough room to give you the nightmarish
details of all those years out.
Suffice to say. Today I must be honest, rigorously honest about who and what
I am. I am totally abstinent, surrendered to win. I do not have any
reservations. I am spent. Just for today...God thank you for the willingness
to stay today. I ask God for the willingness each morning on my knees this
time.
At last I am back
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